I am not ruined.

Why is it that when I have something important to say to someone it is the last thing I want to talk about? More specifically when I am sticking up for myself within a relationship. And I could be referring to any type of relationship in my life...(Save for my mother and sister. I can tell them anything which is actually quite nice.)...I chicken out when it comes to saying things that matter to my heart. I have this pesky lie that likes to pop up (more often than I would like to admit) and that is the lie that because of what I have been through I am a ruined woman. I/My feelings, am/are of no consequence because I blew my chance at a normal stable life with my past behavior. That line of thinking by the way is a HUGE load of crap but the thought still likes to stick to the bottom of my shoe and haunt me with it's stink. I can't tell someone what I want from them without a huge lump in my throat and tears because I am convinced that I have no right to ask for anything for myself and that I should just be grateful someone is willing to be close to me.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND YES THAT'S NUTS!

But...it's what goes on in my brain. UGH! Sometimes I wish for a way to disconnect my brain from my heart. Unfortunately I am a woman and it isn't possible so I must learn to think around the large boulder of BS sitting between me and my self-esteem. God has called me "daughter", "loved", and "beautiful". That should be enough and it is. It's just remembering that is the trick!