Intensity

I am not entirely sure what happens in a musician's body when they are struck by music that moves them but it feels something like a mix between a shiver and electricity. It starts at the top of the head and moves all the way down to the toes. It doesn't happen all the time but when it does it's intense. It makes you just want to come out of your skin! I am going through that at the moment. I was inspired by this guitar riff two days ago while the band I was playing with was doing a sound check and it hasn't left me. I don't know why God wired me this way but I like it! So now I am off to create something from that rumbling in my heart. Just thought I would share!

Personal Minefield

My heart has been flipped upside down and laid bare in the last couple of months. It has been rough but necessary and I'm so grateful for the growth (and all the music) that has come out of it but honestly I am ready to be out of this minefield. I'm done bleeding from the emotional bombs I had to remove one by one. I'm alive and I am fully capable of walking away from the old hurts so that is what I am doing. My God, my children, my family, my friends and one day my future husband deserves a heart that is whole and not afraid to run into relationships for fear of dying from the effort. That is no way to live and certainly no way to love. So in saying that I'm pretty sure this marks a new place in life for me. I'm ready to move out and move on. Finally, thank God!

All the kings horses...

I was sitting with my friend Lindsey tonight and we were having one of those venting talks. You know the kind... the ones you have to have every once in a while just to get stuff off your chest to prevent an emotional explosion. It was a good talk (For me anyways. I don't know, I may have talked her ear off!) and one that produced an interesting question.

Do you think brokenness is a weakness? 

My answer to that was "no".

Brokenness is beautiful. It is the revealing of truth. Brokenness happens when a person comes to the last of something. It is a catalyst for change. Now whether the person builds on that change is something else entirely and we will get to that later. For now, let's just chew on this question: Is brokenness a weakness?

I struggled with this for about a year and a half after the ending of a particularly unhealthy relationship. I believed that because my heart was in pieces I was weak and ugly and would never be attractive again until I could make everyone see that I was strong, independent and without need. I refused to ever be weak (broken) again. Well you can guess how well that went. It was a colossal waste of time that I could have spent repairing my brokenness INSTEAD OF TRYING TO CONVINCE EVERYBODY ELSE IN MY LIFE I WAS ALL RIGHT! I went out. I danced and partied. I even began to roll around the idea of pursuing new relationships. Surely a new boyfriend would make it all better. Right? Thankfully that didn't happen and let me tell you why....

 Inviting people into your brokenness purely to self-medicate is not only damaging to you but to the other person as well. You propagate pain when you do this!

 It was a temporary solution. A bandaid for a bone-deep wounding. I was stubborn (Big surprise!) but I did finally accept the fact that I was still in pieces almost two years after the ending of my marriage. 

The day I finally broke was at a retreat for our girls small groups. We were in a beautiful cabin in the north Georgia mountains and I was in a group of women talking about relationship problems. We were all taking turns until a wonderful girl, we will call Peggy, confessed that she was considering leaving her husband. Something in me panicked. I completely butted in on her time (I know, shocking!) and began begging my friend Peggy not to give up on her marriage. I sobbed as I told her that she had no idea of the ripping that would occur in her soul and how much it would break her heart. I remember just putting my head down as I continued to confess the unbelievable pain of that loss and wishing I could make the tears stop along with the searing ache in my chest. I had finally faced my shame and hurt and admitted that it had broken me. I think I cried for the rest of group time and was still weepy probably thirty minutes after we had finished. That silly wall of anger and stone that I had built up around the cracks in my heart came tumbling down and that was the beginning of my full recovery. I realized that I was not weak...I was just devastated. I was desolate but thankfully not for long. God showed me that I could rebuild what had been torn down and that only his strength and his grace could accomplish that. 

So is brokenness weakness? No.

Is it scary? Yes! 

Can God fix what's busted? Absolutely! 

We just have to ask God for help and then let him do it. It's not easy or pain free by any means but it is so worth it! I promise :)

Here comes Joy

This is what I feel like today.

Used, angry, trapped and just altogether low. Is that what I should be feeling? Nope, but it's hard to choose joy over what comes naturally in disappointing situations. People lie to you, let you down, choose what's convenient for themselves over what is important and can take the heart right out of you. It's life. It happens at least once to everyone and it is what I am feeling at this moment. I'm hurt. There I admitted it... but I know even if I can't find it today...joy is coming. God is bigger than my hurt feelings and has enough grace for the offending party that he can share some of it with me. I want to have grace for others, joy in sadness and peace in turmoil. I'm not feeling it right now but I know if I keep pressing forward it will come and so will He.